Friday, August 31, 2012

My Little Birthday Present

On the morning of my 31st Birthday, I woke up at 4 AM having to pee really bad.  This was not just a regular potty stop, this was the one I had been waiting on all week.  The one where you pee on a stick and it tells you that you are pregnant or not.  I kind of had an intuition that it was going to be positive and my intuition was correct.  As soon as I saw the word pregnant pop up I cried all alone in my bathroom thankful that we were going to be blessed with another child.  Now I just had to keep quiet for the next 8 hours!  Tim had already left for Galveston, and I of course wanted him to be the first to know.  When we finally got there, I put Landry's new Big Sister shirt on that I had bought a week earlier.  We walked into the kitchen where our 4 parents were standing and told them that Landry had something she wanted to tell them.  Of course both moms knew right away what was going on.  It took the dads a few seconds to get it.  Everyone was so excited about the arrival of the new baby.  We spent all weekend dreaming of what was to come.  I was so excited that we were able to tell everyone at once! 
When we got back home I made my first doctors appointment.  We decided that we would tell a few friends and then wait for the first appointment to tell all our family.  I waited patiently for August 16 to get here.  As soon as we got to the doctors office I started getting anxiety.  At the time I wasn't really sure why, I just had a weird feeling.  We talked to my doctor for a few minutes then she walked us to the sonogram room and left us there so we could get a glance at the baby and hopefully hear the heartbeat.  As soon as I saw the screen I knew something was wrong.  There was a sac, but there was no baby and no heartbeat to be found.  I just knew.  I can't explain it, I think it's just a mother's intuition.  The sonographer said not to be too worried yet, that maybe it was just too early and that my dates were wrong.  I prayed that she was right and they took my blood to be sent off and said that they would call me the next day and tell me what my numbers were.  That we shouldn't be too worried until then.  Friday afternoon came and they finally called me.  It turns out, my numbers looked good and that they were not going to worry yet.  I made an appointment for another week and we would just wait until then. 
Needless to say, that next week took forever!  I prayed so hard day and night.  I had all my friends and family praying too.  Then, August 27th came and we were set to see another sonogram.  This time we did the sonogram before we saw the doctor, which I was glad about.  This time when I went in the room, I had a peace come over me.  I just prayed that whatever we saw that God was still in control and we could handle it.  It is so hard to sit in that room and have hope knowing that there is nothing there.  She said she was so sorry but that this far along we should see more than we do and that it looks like the baby stopped forming about 2 weeks ago.  I cried.  I just felt helpless.  I was in the same situation 4 years ago, and this time I knew what to expect.  Our doctor whom I love, came in and sat with us and told us how sorry she was.  She said unfortunately there was nothing we could do to prevent this from happening.  For some reason that made me feel better.  I knew there was nothing I did to make this happen.  Since my body wasn't recognizing the miscarriage she said that surgery was probably the best option. 
There is something you should know about me.  I've never had surgery.  Never broken a bone, nothing.  In fact, the only time I have ever been in the hospital for myself was when I had Landry.  So, I was super nervous.  She said it was an easy procedure, in and out in a matter of minutes and I would only be at the hospital for a few hours.  I would be under anesthesia, but it would be super short.  My work was so good to me and gave me the week to rest and get ready.  Thursday came and I wasn't nervous at all.  Once again, I had a peace about the whole thing.  I was calm.  My sweet Grammy picked me up and drove me to the hospital where Tim would meet us.  The nurses there could not have been sweeter.  I was so lucky to get ones who were so sympathetic to me and said they would pray for us.  Then it was time to go in.  In a matter of minutes my little baby was gone. 
Wow!  I hadn't planned on writing that much, but I just wanted to make sure I told the whole story.  Throughout all of this, the thing I have learned the most and heard the most from people is that God has a plan.  We may not always know what it is, and we certainly may not always like it, but God is in control.  I know there is another baby in our future. I know my little Landry who pats her babies to sleep will be a big sister.  The other thing I have come to realize is that I have the best friends and family.  We have felt so loved over the past few weeks.  I am one lucky girl.  There are two verses that I have been given to me through all of this. 
1. I know he has purpose in even the things I cannot understand.  Romans 8:28
2. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves recieve from God.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4
So, to my little baby.  I will see you agin someday.  There is another child waiting for you up there and I cannot wait for the day I can hold all my babies in my arms.


Anonymous said...

I am not sure that my tears will let me write what I truly feel for you. God blessed my life with you and everyday I blessed to say so.

I Love You!!

Mix and Match Mama said...

Oh Kara. I am just so sorry. This post made me cry. I know we always said our little ones were up there together and now there are three. I am just so sorry. I love you so much and am praying for you every day.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kara, I am balling at my desk at work! I love you so much and am so lucky to have a sis-in-law like you! I know the past week has been tough, but everyone is always going to be here for you. I know there is a going to be a lovely baby in the future and HE will so lucky to have you and Tim as parents. (Lol, yes, I am assuming it will be a boy.) Thank you again for Landry, she truly lights up my life and I love the moments we get to spend together! I love y'all!


Robbie and Melissa said...

Oh Kara, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how tough this is, but I know God is going to give you just what you need at this time and that He will use this hard time to bless others. You are such a strong person and a great Mom, so I say with confidence that another Smith child will be born someday! We will continue to be praying for you and Tim and miss you guys dearly!

Lots of love,